If someone asked you, “what’s an underrated life skill?” what would your answer be?
I’m sure there’s tons of valid, and appropriate, answers.
However, the older I get, the more I’m realizing that there’s one particular type of conversation that so many people fail to utilize. It’s a conversation that people will ignore, avoid, and pretend that everything’s alright, because to them it’s easier than facing what needs to be said head on. It’s a conversation that, when used appropriately, will create deeper and more meaningful relationships with your friends, family, and loved ones.
And for straight up transparency, it’s absolutely a conversation that I struggle with. It’s actually a skill I’m actively working on cultivating in my life and being better at.
One of the most underrated life skills, in my opinion, is choosing to have the hard conversation.
Hard conversations come in all shapes, sizes, and words. They can be about something small or something huge. Something that troubles you a little bit, or that troubles you a lot. They require confronting an issue or experience that bothers you, and discussing the situation with the other said party. They can be extremely uncomfortable and difficult to bring up, but the peace and understanding that comes afterward will eclipse most all of the aforementioned negative.
The skill part is, of course, being able to address the hard conversation, and doing so in a manner that brings the issue to a resolution, instead of escalating the situation further. The point of a hard conversation is to discuss the issue and reach an understanding or solution with the other involved person, or people, with the least amount of damage to the relationship. The goal is not to hurt the other person’s feelings, but perhaps simply to bring awareness to the topic, or to help them fix an action that needs culling.
Maturity is a huge component required to have hard conversations. I’ll say this loudly and proudly: anyone who lacks the ability to have hard conversations without getting defensive or ugly may in fact have a maturity issue. That’s because having a hard conversation requires you to be on one of two sides: the first side being the person addressing the issue, which requires tact and compassion, but also firmness. The second is being the person receiving the complaint, which means probably being told something about yourself that you’re not going to like.
And who wants to be told something they don’t like? Who wants to hear that they hurt their friend’s feelings, or that the way they’ve been completing a specific task is not up to standard? Constructive criticism, while sometimes difficult to hear, is the backbone of having a hard conversation that keeps it from becoming a personal attack. Keeping the hard conversation on track with being constructive guides it towards a resolution that all parties can be comfortable with and understand.
Of course, sometimes having a hard conversation may lead to an outcome that no one is happy about. Sometimes, it will lead to a falling out, or the loss of a friendship. Sometimes, the differences that are discussed are too far apart to bridge, and for the sake of your boundary, your sanity, and the respect you deserve, the relationship ties must be cut.
Even if that is the outcome, I still say having the hard conversation is worth it. Because anyone that you lose over addressing an issue that bothers you, was not someone worth keeping in your life to begin with. It’s better to find that out now rather then years down the road, in a potentially much more difficult or impactful situation. It’s better to end the relationship, than having to walk on eggshells or always wonder if what you’re saying or doing is being received wrong by the other party.
Because in spite of all the challenges and insanity that comes with being human, there is the notion that we owe each other respect and dignity. At the very least, we owe our fellow humans kindness and compassion and understanding, to the best of our abilities. It doesn’t matter what someone else says or does or how they treat you. I resoundingly believe that we owe the world the best of ourselves, and that how we treat other people, especially in difficult situations, is a direct reflection of our inner selves and the level of peace we’ve obtained.
Perspectives also vary so drastically, and it’s more important than ever to remember that everyone is seeing things from their point of view, from their experiences, and personality, and belief system. Even two perspectives that witness the exact same scenario can come out profusely stating that nearly opposite things happened. You hear this all the time with miscommunications or misunderstandings. Two people hear the same conversation completely differently. One person walks away thinking that their friend is an asshole and was super rude, and the other person walks away thinking they just shared a hysterical joke, being one example.
So what do you do if that happens?
If you love that person and want to have them in your life, then you have the hard conversation. You tell your friend, “Hey, this came across as rude and really hurt my feelings. Let’s talk about it.” And then you talk, and maybe the issue you’re addressing is something that other friend didn’t even notice! Or maybe, it really was just a miscommunication and you misunderstood the intent or meaning behind what was said. Maybe the solution is that both parties will do better at listening, or maybe one person needs to be more careful with their words and the tones that they use.
Either way, if you never bring it up, you’ll start to let resentment grow against that person. Instead of choosing to have the hard conversation, clearing the air, and understanding your friend or loved one on a deeper level, you let the unspoken issue linger and fester.
Nothing good will come from letting resentment and irritation fester. It will only grow, and as new situations arise that repeat the issue, which will surely happen if it’s not addressed, your anger against this person will expand. Anger that expands will end up imploding.
Instead of having all that happen, choose the hard conversation.
Someone once told me that choosing to have the hard conversation boils down to one thing: is the person you need to talk with someone you want in your life longterm? Is the situation something that you can deal with for a short while (a short term job or assignment, for example) or is it something that will be in your life for years to come? The answer to those questions will determine if it’s worth it to have the hard conversation, because if it’s a small irritant that won’t be around long, then maybe it doesn’t matter if you have a full-blown uncomfortable conversation. If it’s a passing situation, or something with a stranger, or acquaintance that you aren’t likely to face again, then does the issue even need to be addressed? Maybe not.
But, if the situation stems from a person that you absolutely want to be around, and be close too, then you must have the hard conversation. If the experience or situation stems from something that’s going to be in your life for a longer period of time (like a roommate or job that you love), you have to address it. Have the hard conversation, or else things will start to crack apart. And once things start to crack, they may end up exploding and the entire issue will get blown out of proportion, or turn into an unnecessarily huge fight. Address it early and save the drama.
So many people these days choose to walk away from a person, place, or thing, claiming that they’re protecting their peace, when really they are just refusing to take accountability or have a difficult conversation. While protecting your peace is important (and when warranted is absolutely called for) choosing to address a tough situation or experience has quickly become a skill that most people are afraid of. They don’t want to bring up the uncomfortable discussion, and for why? Because it makes them uncomfortable? Because they’re afraid of what might be said? Because they’re too proud? Because they don’t actually care? Because they think they can ignore it, and it’ll go away?
I’m sure there’s a hundred excuses someone could give as to why they didn’t have the hard conversation. It’s not important enough. It’s something they can live with. It doesn’t matter. But the moment you choose to not have a hard conversation, you’re choosing to create a rift, no matter how small, between you and that other person.
Is the rift worth creating, or is a deeper, more meaningful relationship with your loved one what’s actually worth creating?
When you pick the hard conversation, you will find yourself understanding the other person and how they think and see the world on a deeper level. You may understand their choices, their perspective, and their personality a little better. It will allow you to grow closer, and to understand each other, or be aware of certain ticks or nuances you each possess. Aren’t those all good things, things that you should want to come out of a relationship with your loved ones?
The choice is yours. You can choose to have the hard conversation, or not.
You can also choose to LISTEN when a friend or loved one brings up a hard conversation with you. You can engage with them and try to understand their point of view and how you can be better. That is absolutely another tricky side to this underrated life skill: accepting the hard conversation when it’s brought to you. Because I’ll tell you what, it sure isn’t easy when someone brings up a difficult situation and addresses your actions and words. It can hurt to hear about yourself, but honestly, don’t you want to know if you hurt someone you love? Don’t you want to know if you’re doing something wrong, so that you can fix it and start doing it correctly?
You can choose to listen and accept the conversation, and strengthen your bond with the person who brought it to you, or you can choose to walk away and not talk about it. Again, the choice is yours.
So yes, I will say that choosing to have a difficult conversation is absolutely an underrated life skill. Not enough people are choosing to do it these days, and not enough people are talking about how valuable it is. People who know how to have hard conversations (and ones that result in productive outcomes) are most likely excelling in their lives, and we don’t collectively appreciate this skill enough.
The next time you have your feelings hurt by a loved one, I implore you to have the hard conversation. Even if it seems small, or insignificant, or even if you don’t think it’s worth addressing. You’ll be surprised how much lighter you feel afterwards, and I’ll bet you’ll even be surprised by how much closer you’ll feel to the other person when all is said and done.
And hopefully, you’ll save the headache of an even nastier fight that’s surely waiting down the road.
Until Next Time –
Yours for happy writing,
Lady Jenji
