When Depression is Not Enough

I admitted something to my husband today that I haven’t said out loud in a long time.

I didn’t even mean to tell him, but the truth is, I’m depressed.

Though you wouldn’t know it if you entered my life anytime in the last 5-6 years, I used to go through bouts of depression rather regularly. In fact, even if you knew me back in the day you probably wouldn’t know that. I’m very good at hiding my pain. I’m very good with fake smiles and pretending everything is okay.

I’ve always been strong and independent, but I’ve also been temperamental and selfish.

But this depression is different. Where I used to be depressed over myself, my life, and the horrible things happening to me (victim mentality) now I’m depressed about something else altogether.

I’m genuinely worried, sad, and weeping for my country. I’m weeping for the world.

And not just for the corrupt system and government that is slowly instilling total control over the good ol’ United States of America. No, I’m depressed because the more I talk and share about things being wrong in this country, the more I find people fighting and defending the federal government, and mandates, and control.

Someone actually told me that we have to give up freedoms to live in a safe society, that there are values more important than freedom.

That sounds like some shit Dolores Umbridge would preach (and if you don’t get that reference please go read Harry Potter).

But, maybe you think that’s true, too. Thus, my depression deepens.

Is history doomed to repeat itself? Are we making mistakes that have already been made? Are we CHOOSING to lose the battle against complete federal control?

I’m watching it happen. I’m watching it right now.

Before I say anything else, let me express that I am not an antivaxxer, in any way shape or form. I believe vaccines have great use, and protect us against horrible viruses and diseases. That is not the problem I have.

The problem I have is choice. Freedom. The ability to decide what’s best for yourself and your body. Especially as a woman. But now we have a state where abortions are illegal. We have taken away a woman’s ability to do what’s best for her. I shake my head and weep.

There’s mask mandates, and vaccine passport discussions, and all I can do is scream inwardly at these people cheering, insisting, no SUPPORTING this type of over arching control.

You can say it’s not a “big deal” to wear a mask. You’re right, it’s not. I’ve certainly done so where necessary.

But if they can make you wear a mask, then why can’t they make you inject a drug into your body? Many countries, industries, and cities are implementing just that. Forced vaccinations. After all, the only reason we have these mandates is because it’s for a safe society, for the greater good, right? Thus begins the slippery slope of total loss of civil freedom. They say “it’s for the health and safety of all people,” despite the fact that most of us will survive covid-19 should we get sick.

I certainly survived just fine. I was a little sick, barely. Quarantined at home. And then my life went on.

Life is full of viruses, diseases, plagues, problems, dangers, weapons, bad people, and more. It is so dangerous just walking out your front door. Anything could happen. You could die any moment, for literally so many reasons. Yes, I know, covid-19 is bad, awful. It’s no joke, and you absolutely can get sick and die. I am not arguing that point in any way.

I’m simply pointing out that you can die in so many other ways too. I’m simply pointing out that the numbers have been skewed (talk to any of your friends in the medical field, I know I have). You could die of something unrelated, but if your body tests positive for covid-19, that’s the reason on your death certificate.

Yes, getting covid-19 under control has been a huge battle over the past year and a half. It certainly has been necessary. And like I said, I’m all for vaccines. I think the fact that we have a vaccine out so quickly and able to help (most) people is great!

But should we be forcing people to take that vaccine? Even if you say it is for the greater good?

C’mon guys, how many fiction stories and villains have used those exact words? Is anybody paying attention yet?

I understand that we have vaccines for other viruses and diseases, and that showing immunization is required for some international travel, college and school admissions, and other aspects of life even now. I understand and acknowledge that. Maybe someday covid-19 vaccinations will be part of this, given to you as a child per your parent’s decision. Maybe it will get there, but it’s too new and too fresh to be mandating it now. I mean, its not even safe for children under 10 to take this vaccination yet. Do we really know how people will react in five, ten, or fifteen years?

I also know someone who took the vaccine and died from the second dose. I’ve read tons of horror stories from people who reacted badly. And while those reactions are not the normal, they are a risk that must be considered. If you force people to take a vaccine, you are effectively forcing them to take that risk and stealing their freedom to choose.

I feel so alone in my opinion here, and thus I am depressed.

I think a lot of people are feeling isolated, and lonely, and drained. This entire experience, this world-changing virus that we’ve all been dealing with, has taken its toll. Emotionally, mentally, physically, we’re all exhausted. We’re at the breaking point.

That’s why it’s been easy to convince people that mandates and forced drug injections are necessary. They think it will help get things “back to normal.”

I’m sorry to say it sister, but normal is never coming back. We are and have been in an endemic. We have to learn to live with covid, the way we learned to live with ebola, the flu, etc. And if that means people at risk or who genuinely want to take the vaccine take the vaccine, then by all means let them! I fully encourage and support that choice.

But for those people that have health concerns, personal issues, or even simply don’t feel comfortable taking a vaccine that hasn’t even been on the market for a year, why are we forcing them? Let them keep social distancing. Let them be responsible for their own health, and their own bodies. What’s so wrong with letting them choose? Especially since you can be vaccinated and still pass the virus on to someone else. The vaccine is supposed to help you, as the individual taking it! Yet, if the media has its way it’ll portray every unvaccinated person as an ignorant imbecile who doesn’t deserve basic necessities, like being able to travel freely and grocery shop.

We don’t deny cigarette smokers treatment when they develop lung cancer.

We don’t deny alcoholics treatment when they develop cirrhosis of the liver.

And thus, the slippery slope has begun. Denying people medical care because they aren’t “doing what’s best” based on society standards is horrible. Denying someone medical care because they aren’t conforming to what’s considered “safe” and “smart” is absolutely wrong, I don’t care what country you’re living in. All people have a right to treatment, and help. And if you don’t think that’s true, I weep for the person you are and the lack of empathy you have.

Empathy is more important than ever, yet I see it less than ever before.

We are dividing, dividing, dividing, exactly how I’ve predicted in my previous posts (please see The Fate of a Nation and Proud To Be An American?).

I’m genuinely scared. I had a real conversation with my husband about leaving the country. Because if that’s something we choose to do, we need to go soon before it’s too late to get out. And that day is coming. Mark my words. Unless we change, unless we the people fight back and defend our constitutional rights, that day is coming. Of course, if this type of control is being enacted all over the world, I can’t help but wonder will anywhere be safe? Or is humanity across the globe falling into this trap? Maybe we should be moving off the grid, and honestly, I’m considering it.

Because from what I can see, most people are okay falling under mandated government control. Maybe they are okay living in neat boxes, being told what to eat, inject into their bodies, and watch on TV. Maybe you are okay with that too.

I am not.

And so I’m depressed. I’m not sure how to pull myself out of this. I’m not sure how to incite change, or if anything I can do will make a difference.

I’m feeling lost, and depressed, and for the first time it’s not a depression about myself that I can pull through and change by sheer will. It’s a depression that I don’t have control over, not when things are falling apart so fast. For the first time, acknowledging my depression is not enough.

I hope whoever is reading this and wherever you are, you are happy, and safe. I wish you great fortune in the days to come. We’re all going to need it.

Until next time –

Yours for honest writing,

Lady Jenji

Published by Jenni Johnson

Jenni Johnson, aka Lady Jenji, is a writer, artist, and lover to all. She and her husband live in Palm Bay, Florida. They are quite fond of cats.

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