Going Somewhere Deep

There is a threshold I must unlock. I feel it swirling there, deep inside my body, deep inside my mind. So close to the surface and yet still incredibly far away. Have I found those secrets? Have I exposed them to the world?

Aimlessness becomes my constant companion. Not intentionally, but rather as a side effect to all the sense I’m trying to make out of these feelings. But feelings can mislead you. So can your brain. What can we trust, if not what we think and feel?

“You must think greater than you feel.” A wise man wrote that, Dr. Joe Dispenza. I’ve been circling around it ever since it came to me, in another one of those books I drown myself in. Drowning myself while sorting through these supposed answers.

But what if there are no answers? Who’s the authority on what’s even true?

What is it I’m actually searching for, when I read about spirituality, and reality, and self-improvement?

I used to think I was meant for something greater. Maybe a part of me is still holding onto that image, onto that story that I’ve built about myself. It’s been my identity for the greater part of my life – that one day they’ll know me. My words will guide. There are people I can help.

What happens when I can’t even help myself? The spiral circles back around, and I’m fighting the same battles I’ve worn my way through before. We meet again, and it seems to be another lesson that won’t settle, that hasn’t been solved. Easier this time perhaps, but one day will it go away completely? It must, or I’ll find myself trapped in insanity.

Everything always comes back until I’ve made my peace and learned from it. But it’s more than just a surface acceptance or recognition. There’s something deep, there’s something eternal, that must shift in vibration. I have all this knowledge, this supposed wisdom, and no real application.

In a good way, I wonder what’s the point of all this? Why is it so serious? And how can I let that seriousness go? Because I know that everything is honored, but nothing matters. So why haven’t I been able to accept that into my own personal reality? Knowing and being are two different things.

There is a threshold that I still must cross. Buried treasure, deep within the well of energy that is accessible to myself and every other Being that’s part of our collective.

I give up trying to make anything happen. I surrender.

Of course, I’ve said that before, and here it is, circling back. Unfinished. Unlearned.

I am going somewhere deep. It doesn’t matter how popular I may or may not ever be. It doesn’t matter what this physical form accomplishes or creates. it doesn’t matter what my ego sees or does or wants. It is time to go somewhere deep.

I am going somewhere deep.

Lady Jenji